Recently I have been trying to look into why I am always underwhelmed, feeling ‘meh’, why I haven’t written anything for a while, why I cannot focus at work, and why I cannot get myself to even continue playing a video game. All these things that I used to enjoy, suddenly I start feeling nauseous doing them, almost disgusted. How all of that made me becoming more anxious, stressed, and always on the edge.
I started looking into what are the things that I do on a daily basis, where do I spend my non-refundable precious time? I kind of always knew where I did spend it, but I started becoming more aware of it. I spend most of my time scrolling.
Spending so much time on your phone scrolling is so normal nowadays that we even created a term for it, it’s called “Doomscrolling”. We seems to never be able to wait anymore, we cannot sit or stand without picking up a screen and scroll. Sometimes when we want to feel better about ourselves and reduce our scrolling, we put on some headphones and start listening to something, a podcast or music. We cannot seem to be able to just do nothing.
Our minds seem so addicted to always having easy and quick entertainment, that any other sort work or even “harder” entertainment feel so boring. We don’t stop and think anymore, we pick and scroll. And to be honest, it is driving me crazy.
As I already mentioned, I spend most of my time scrolling on my phone, and if you ask me after I finish what where you seeing, I would have already forgotten. The second I am doing nothing, or even doing something that is not quick meaningless scrolling, my mind becomes so stressed and anxious, starts making me feel it physically, I start to feel my stomach turning, my breath becoming shallow. My mind became like a little child that if it does not get what it needs, it throws a fit. It is doing that right now as I am writing this, just because I am not scrolling. And just like a child that needs some discipline, that is what I am doing with my mind.
Part of what is making me write this post is the fact that I’ve been practicing doing nothing. I have been spending an hour or so from my day just sitting there and let my mind wonder. It always starts with anxious thoughts. First, it is fear of missing out, I start thinking what are the things that I would be missing on if my phone is not connected to the internet anymore? Then I start feeling nauseous, and my mind starts wondering about my health, “What is that you’re feeling there? Could it be this? Could be that? Oh we have to google to check”. This of course makes me way more anxious, and to be honest, I did get a panic attack or two. But I think it was necessary.
After the first anxious thoughts, my mind is so bored, looking for any stimulus. And it would rather have a painful stimulus than just no stimulus at all. So it gives me terrible intrusive thoughts, I start feeling so lonely and disconnected. I am fighting not just picking the phone and scroll. It is so weird how addicted I am to it, and I guess I am going through the withdrawal symptoms.
After a while of just sitting there and being bored, something quite nice happens. Your mind starts to wonder and think about things. Good things, bad things, new things, old things, it’s just wondering through bubbles of thoughts. It has been quite some time that I haven’t just sat there and started to let my mind wonder, I kind of missed it, and I really, really enjoy it.
I think I’ll continue discipling my mind, trying to bring back the curiosity that it always had. I will try to just sit there and do nothing. I will train myself to be okay with being bored. And let my mind to grow out of this childish phase.
Anxiety is Fun 