Anxiety disorder has reached epidemic proportions, whether it was to the spreading lifestyle that induces high level of stress, or all the evil that is happening in all over the world. It has limited a lot of people to do everyday normal things. It has caused so much pain and made life a misery. It has made us hate our lives… hate ourselves.
Having suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember, reading books on human behavior has helped me understand myself. It has opened my eyes to things I do that encourages anxiety. It took me a while to believe them, because I did not want to. I did not want to believe that I was this weak, I did not want to believe that I was this naive. I want to share with you the things I have always thought about myself, and why they kept me from being who I really am.
I Am A Victim
Thinking that I am a victim has made me lack any responsibilities. It has made me feel like the world owes me everything because of all the things I am going through. This victim mentality has served as a hanger, where I hang every responsibility I do not feel like taking.
Life without responsibilities makes you even worse, you start to go into a nihilist path, where nothing really matters anymore, where your life has no purpose, no meaning.
I know that my mental health is declining, I know that I have been living in a cage because of it, and thinking I am a victim has only made it even worse.
I Am Unique
I used to think that I am unique and special because of my mental health issues, and to some extent, I wanted to stay this way. It has made me kind of addicted to my anxiety. It made me feel as if I am a warrior facing this huge dragon all by myself, it has made me feel as a hero. I liked this feeling, but I did not understand its negative effects on me.
When you think you are unique because of something, you start to think it is what makes you who you are, you start to believe that it is you. Therefore, getting rid of it is way much harder, because you do not want to get rid of it in the first place.
I am unique, I am special, but not because of my mental health.
I Need Attention
Everyone likes a little bit of attention, it feels good to know that people are looking after you, that they care for you. However, a lot of times I have caught myself having an anxiety attack just because I am seeking attention, it is not like I was faking it, it was just like I am anxious because I need some attention. Once I figured out what was happening, I felt so stupid.
Having to subconsciously start being anxious just because I need attention made me realize that my self-confidence is nearly non-existent. I mean, is that the only thing I can do to make people care for me? Cannot I have people’s attention without showing them that I am about to die?
What I try to do now, is whenever I am having an anxiety or a panic attack, I go into stealth mode. I’d go for a walk, put on some music on my headphones, or maybe dance a little bit. I stopped dancing though, it brought me even more attention. If I do not want to be alone, I’d just tell someone that I am having a panic attack and if they could go out for a walk with me.
By no means I am belittling the suffering that anxiety can cause someone, that sense of doom can cause anyone to go absolutely crazy. However, I used to glorify it, which allowed it to control my life and how I see the world. Do not let anxiety define who you are.
Try to think of what thoughts do you have that are unhealthy, that cause you to fall into the vicious loop. Once you point them out, try to be aware whenever you have and to eliminate one step at a time.
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if anyone is interested in reading more about this phenomenon, it’s called “secondary gains.”