An Anxious Introduction

I have been waiting to write my first blog post for a long time now, but I couldn’t decide what is the first thing I want to write about, that will make people interested and make them want to know more about my experience with anxiety, maybe even help someone who’s dealing with the same problems. I’m starting to get anxious myself. I’ll just write about who I am, and why I started this blog, and what will I be writing about.

My name is Mamdouh Alsarayreh, I am from Jordan. I am a software developer, and been working in the same company for 3 years now. I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for as long as I can remember, I have done a lot of things, from travelling to a foreign country and attending a very loud festival, to locking myself into my basement and just ghosting everyone, until I myself became a ghost.

I remember one day I came back home, having an intense panic attack, my mother opened the door for me.
Mother: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “I cannot breathe. Please take me to the hospital.”
Mother: “Relax, there is nothing wrong, it will pass.”

I started getting more anxious because all I am thinking about is that I do not have time, I either get to the hospital now, or I’ll die.
Father: “Come on Mamdouh, man up, it’s all in your head.”

My mother told me to lay down on the couch, she started to pull my legs up, so that I will not faint.
My brain: “Faint you say? Houston, we have a problem. Panic LEVEL 9999!”
I started begging my father to take me to the hospital. He ran to his room to change his clothes, my mother came with us as well. My dad was driving, while me and my mother were on the back seat. My head is on my mother’s lap, her hands on my head, praying.

Earlier that night, I have bought a gift for my mom, I wanted to talk about anything else so I said:
“Mom, I bought a gift for you.”
My mother, bless her heart, has watched a lot of Turkish drama, and thought those were my last words.
Mother: “Do not say that, Mamdouh!”
My brain: “Say what? He really did buy you a gif…. wait a minute. Are those his last words? Return Panic LEVEL TO 9999!”
I started to panic again. We arrived to the ER. All is good, as usual.
I always laugh when I remember this story.

I want to start writing about how I found the fun in anxiety, and how my anxiety itself is not the problem, rather than how I respond to it. I want to tell people how I have dealt with my panic attacks, and what resources have helped me. I will be a happy person, if I could help one person to be cured of anxiety, or at least, learn how to deal with it the right now.

To be completely honest with you, those are not the only reasons I want to write about it. I want to help myself as well, I feel like writing about it will be therapeutic for me, and will help me to shed a light on some of the dark places in my mind.

I want this blog to be as interactive as possible, so we can help each other. I would love to hear your story too, maybe have a discussion. Please feel free to ask me any question, or tell me anything on your mind.